Garden Update

I told you awhile back that we started our garden by planting seeds in March. Well, we transplanted them outside a few weeks ago and it's doing really well. I can't wait to get my first veggies.

Do you see that?! I have three zucchinis growing!!

  

Oh and my rose bushes are blooming like crazy…

Ahhh, I love spring/summer :)

New Bathroom

A few weeks ago we did a bathroom renovation. I have to thank my husband and my father-in-law for the amazing overhaul.  They worked so hard on it and it looks great!

Rik’s parents came to town and spent the weekend so they could help with the project. Rik’s mom and I did some shopping to find the perfect shower curtain rod and necklace hanger (both are extremely important!) and the men put down the floor, replaced the mirror, added the new cabinet and painted.

Here is the before: 

A few action shots:

 

 The finished product: 

 

 

I love it! I love the darker cabinet, tiled floor and new paint. It is exactly what I had in mind! Rik can say what he wants, my indecisiveness is part of the process of making it perfect! So what if we made eight total trips to Home Depot and Lowes and bought one style floor before deciding on the other?! It is all part of the process!

Something else exciting that came from that weekend is this shirt:

It was one of my birthday gifts from them. How awesome is that?! This picture looks just like my Rudi!

Thanks Mom and Dad for all of your help!

Joey's Memorial Garden

Ok, so I have talked about my friends before.  I have raved about how they are the best and so on. Today, I want to share with you just how wonderful they really are.

On Joey’s due date we received this beautiful gift:

They went together and got Rik and I this beautiful granite memorial stone and forget-me-not plants to create a garden for him. They know how much I love having my gardens and they thought this would be perfect. I could not agree more. As soon as I saw it, I had the perfect place to put it.

Welcome to Joey’s Memorial Garden:

It is stunning and brings me so much peace. I love everything about it.

 When reading about the plants, I learned that they will bloom every year in the spring. This means that every year around Joey's due date, I will have blooming blue forget-me-not's to admire. How perfect is that?

This group of women is the most thoughtful, loving, caring group in the world. We have been through sorority pledging, college parties, graduations, break-ups, marriages, divorces, pregnancies and miscarriages. We have celebrated the best of best times and cried together during the worst of worst times.

This is the same group of women who presented me with a donation, in Joey’s honor, to the March of Dimes at his funeral.

I am so blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.

 I love you guys!

I am 28!

Thanks to all of my family and friends that wished me a happy birthday! Yesterday was a wonderful day. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.

Rik and I were talking last night over our fire about how it is hard to believe we are 28. Remember when you were in high school and you thought about how old 25 or 30 was? Well, now that we are there, it just doesn’t seem possible. I still feel like that 16 year old girl!

Since I shared baby pics of my husband a few months ago, I thought I would share a few for your viewing pleasure of my sweet baby self!

Meet Waldo, my favorite stuffed animal ever!

You know you are jealous!

Random

So what if it is only 7:58 am on a Thursday and I want one (or two) of the following: Three Olives Loopy and Andes Mint cupcakes.

 Ok, here’s the scoop. I am not a beer drinker. I have tried, just can’t do it. It tastes horrible! Well, that is, unless I am bonging one. Mom and Mom #2 (Mom-in-Law) pretend like you didn’t read that! It’s a true statement; I can bong a beer with the best of them. My girlfriends tend to get me in these ridiculous contests with random people on our girls trips. They wage drinks and things on the bet that I can bong a beer quicker than their macho dude friend. In the end, we generally come out with a few drinks! Don’t worry Mom and Mom #2 this only happens about once a year, if that! Hey, it keeps me young!

Ok, that was a random side note but whatever. Where I was going with that is I prefer the girlie fruity drinks. I am always trying new flavors. A few weeks ago I experienced new Three Olives Vodka flavor, Loopy. This stuff is the bomb! Mixed with a little Sprite, it tastes like you are eating a bowl of fruit loops and who doesn’t like fruit loops?!

Andes Mint Cupcakes? I saw this picture and recipe on pinterest…Whoa! Two of my favorite things mixed into one. Yes, please!

http://www.yourcupofcake.com/2011/05/andes-mint-cupcakes.html

I see both of these things in my near future. Well ok, maybe I will wait until after work!

His Due Date

This weekend was the hardest weekend, emotionally, since losing Joey. I remember when I found out my due date was the weekend of Mother’s Day, thinking it couldn’t be more perfect. I would (probably) be snuggling my brand new baby for my first Mother’s Day. Our moms would be celebrating their Mother’s Day as brand new grandmas. It would be perfect.

This weekend was not perfect. It was not spent with the smells of a new baby or the cries of joy and relief. Rather, it was spent with a quivering lip, wet cheeks and puffy eyes. Now of course we both have wonderful moms that we had to celebrate, but having this holiday the day after my due date seemed cruel.  

I spent the day remembering our short time with him.  Remembering the first time I felt him kick and the way he bounced around during our ultrasounds. Remembering the way he looked after he was born and the way his tiny body felt in my arms. The way his daddy held and admired him. The indescribable amount of love that overwhelmed me when I first saw him.   

Not only did I lose Joey but I lost the future that I planned with him. I was only pregnant for five months, but I planned every second of our baby’s life in those five months. I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment thinking of our baby and our future.  I had his room designed. I had ideas of what he would look like. I imagined his first words, first steps, first birthdays and first days of school. I pictured looking out the window and watching Rik teach him how to throw a football. I had our life planned with this sweet baby.

I am not supposed to be seeing his name in stone but unfortunately God had other plans for us.

There will (hopefully) be more babies in our future, ones that we will get to bring home, cherish and never take for granted. But Joey will always be in my heart. He will always be my first baby. He taught me more about life in those few months than I had learned in my previous 27 years. He is the one that allowed me to feel a mother’s love and the overwhelming need to protect. He is the one that showed me what life is really about. It’s not about the stuff it’s about the love that is in your heart.

<3 JSM

Happy Mother's Day

I never imagined my first Mother's Day would be as hard as it has been.

Today, I could not help but think of this poem:

 

 

What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.

Funny Stuff

Yesterday, this was sent to me by a coworker to make me smile. The title of the email was, "Don't Let Kristen become a little Billy."

Hysterical. I do, in fact, feel like this most some days...

TGIF!

Don't Ask

It is 7:57 am and my make-up has already been cried away.

Over the past few days I have had three people on different occasions ask when my husband and I were going to start having children. Little did they know the answer they were going to receive. I am sure they asked the question out of genuineness and were only trying to make conversation.

But I struggled with how to answer this question? Should I be honest and say, “actually we have already started and we now have an angel baby.” Do I say, “We are working on it.” Or, my gut response “Mind your own f’ing business, when did my sex life become an appropriate topic of your conversation?” Do I simply shrug it off and do a polite laugh with no answer?

I realized that I have to be honest. I owe it to Joey. So, I responded with, “we had a baby but he is already an angel,” and then my eyes welled with tears. I am certain they were not expecting this, but they asked so I answered.

I am sure I have asked this question in the past. Now, I realize how insensitive it is.

Do me a favor; please do not ask people when they are going to start having children. You don’t know their story. Such a simple question could send a person into tears for the rest of the day.

If you have to ask the question, you are not close enough to the person to need to know the answer.

The Start of THAT Month

Dear May-

Today you make your appearance.

In the past, you have always been an exciting month for me.

You bring my birthday.You bring the start of summer and the end of school. You allow the sun to start making its appearance more regularly and the flowers and trees to bloom. The rainy, dreariness of winter and spring makes is much anticipated exit. You bring The Crawl for Cancer (an awesome fundraising event that we do every year) and Memorial Day.

You are a month of new beginnings.  

This year, I was especially looking forward to your arrival.  You were supposed to bring all sorts of new joy into our lives. You were supposed to bring the birth of our son and the start of a new chapter in our lives.

I know I will one day enjoy you again but this year I am ready for you to be over. I want the last milestone of my pregnancy to be over. Just seeing your date on my calendar, as I flipped the page this morning, sent me into tears and made me feel like I was punched in the stomach with the force of the Hulk.

The end of you does not mean that I will be over the loss of Joey, but I will finally be able to start looking toward the future without the constant milestones hanging over me.

I will not wake up every Saturday morning and think about what week in my pregnancy I would have been and count how many weeks it would have been until we met our son. I will no longer have this dark cloud hanging over me as the May 12 date approaches.

May, you have always been good to me, but can you hurry up and be over already? I am almost out of energy and tears to deal with you.

The Battle

I have realized that healing from the loss of Joey is going to be a process that will probably take the rest of my life. Yesterday, a great friend said to me, “it’s ok to never move on from losing Joey.” It was exactly what I needed to hear. I know I will never move on from losing him, but to have someone reassure me that it's okay means so much.

I have always been one to put a lot of pressure on myself. This fault of mine (the only one, I assure you!) is causing a war inside of me. I am applying this pressure to find my new “normal” self and move past the grief. Part of me is really trying to heal and be a strong person. No one likes (or knows how to deal with) the sad person who is self-absorbed in grief, including me. 

The other part of me says, absolutely no way, I am a mess. I need to be sad and angry, I lost a baby that I loved and wanted more than anything. He was a product of my husband's and my love. He was ours.

Every day is a new battle. However, just like true wars, the battle will one day end and I will wake up and not spend my day fighting. The scar from my wound will still be there, but the war will have ended.

In the meantime, I will fight. Some days I will be strong, others I will melt with tears. It’s all part of my new "normal."

17 Weeks

Dear Joey-

Today, 17 weeks since I delivered you silently, I miss you more than ever.

Love,

Mom

Guest Post

I am the guest sponsor today at my bff's blog, Running in Stilettos. Thanks Holly for letting my hijack your place!

I would like to wish a warm welcome to everyone that has stopped by and said hi today :)

Enjoy!

Daily Deals

As promised, today I will let you in on my dirty little secret… I am obsessed with daily deals websites!

Checking said sites, may or may not be, one of the first things I do upon my arrival at work.

My newest find: Zulily.

You may already know about this site, if not I suggest you check it out. The target audience is moms. However, if you don’t have children don’t let that deter you, it has something for every woman.  They have great deals on clothing and accessories (along with home goods, maternity wear, baby clothes, etc.).

They spotlight different designers every day and offer discounts on their lines. I could spend hours perusing the deals and deciding on what to purchase. For example, Saturday they advertised a website full of summer dresses for $8.99! Yep, I bought this one.

Other daily deal sites that I frequent include:

Groupon. I highly suggest you check this daily (or a few times a week).  I am now a Groupon VIP!  A year of cosmo for $5.99, a trip to NYC for $50, $40 worth of food at Wine Guy for $20, eight dog washes at the local pet store for $20.  How can a girl turn these deals down?!

Woot. My husband turned me on to this site. (He can deny it all that he wants, he is as much of a sucker for daily deals as I am!) They offer one deal a day and when it’s gone, it’s gone. The parent site tends to offer more tech type deals, nonetheless good deals. I would estimate that we have over 30 cords/wires/whatevers that he has bought from this site. If you need a cord, chances are we have at least two to spare. Right, babe?!

Woot also offers several subsidiary sites that have daily deals: Community Deals, Wine Deals and Home Deals.

All of these sites have apps that make it nice and easy to be a sucker (like me) and spend your money on things that you probably don’t need, but buy because it’s a good deal. 

Now that I have let you in on my dirty secret, enjoy :)

Oh, and if you have a deals site that you frequent, you better clue me in!

Project Updates

Oh Monday, we meet again…

How was your weekend?

We had a lovely weekend. Friday, I helped celebrate the birth of a great friend. Saturday, I went to my sister’s softball game and then took her dress shopping for her first spring formal! Yesterday, I ran six miles and finished a few projects around the house.

Speaking of projects, here are a few updates:

Project One: Half Marathon. I am not exactly sure this counts as a project, but we are going to go with it! I am going to attempt this marathon. My trainer (aka Holly) keeps telling me I am going to be fine and I can do it. We ran six miles yesterday! It is nowhere near the 13.1 that we will run in a mere three weeks, but I felt pretty good doing it.

Project Two: New Washer and Dryer. I wrote about this adventure here. Let me just say, I am in love with my new washer and dryer.

The first washing machine that was delivered was faulty. This made us really nervous about the quality. When the delivery men showed up with the second washing machine, they could tell by looking at the first one that it had a bad motor. They assured us it was a bad apple and not reflective of the quality.

The new one works like a charm! If you are in the market for new, I would recommend these in a heartbeat. They are big and beautiful and awesome. They even sing a little song when the cycle is over (this is Rik's favorite part, he does a little dance).

Before the set were delivered, we put a fresh coat of paint on the walls and bought a fun wall decal.

Our laundry room has officially been renovated.

Project Three: Garden. I planted the beginnings of my garden a few weeks ago. I can’t believe how well it is doing. I had to transplant the zucchini plant because it got too big for the container. I foresee lots of fresh salsa in my future!

 

Have a great day!

Tomorrow I will write about my new addiction…