His Due Date

This weekend was the hardest weekend, emotionally, since losing Joey. I remember when I found out my due date was the weekend of Mother’s Day, thinking it couldn’t be more perfect. I would (probably) be snuggling my brand new baby for my first Mother’s Day. Our moms would be celebrating their Mother’s Day as brand new grandmas. It would be perfect.

This weekend was not perfect. It was not spent with the smells of a new baby or the cries of joy and relief. Rather, it was spent with a quivering lip, wet cheeks and puffy eyes. Now of course we both have wonderful moms that we had to celebrate, but having this holiday the day after my due date seemed cruel.  

I spent the day remembering our short time with him.  Remembering the first time I felt him kick and the way he bounced around during our ultrasounds. Remembering the way he looked after he was born and the way his tiny body felt in my arms. The way his daddy held and admired him. The indescribable amount of love that overwhelmed me when I first saw him.   

Not only did I lose Joey but I lost the future that I planned with him. I was only pregnant for five months, but I planned every second of our baby’s life in those five months. I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment thinking of our baby and our future.  I had his room designed. I had ideas of what he would look like. I imagined his first words, first steps, first birthdays and first days of school. I pictured looking out the window and watching Rik teach him how to throw a football. I had our life planned with this sweet baby.

I am not supposed to be seeing his name in stone but unfortunately God had other plans for us.

There will (hopefully) be more babies in our future, ones that we will get to bring home, cherish and never take for granted. But Joey will always be in my heart. He will always be my first baby. He taught me more about life in those few months than I had learned in my previous 27 years. He is the one that allowed me to feel a mother’s love and the overwhelming need to protect. He is the one that showed me what life is really about. It’s not about the stuff it’s about the love that is in your heart.

<3 JSM