The Start of THAT Month

Dear May-

Today you make your appearance.

In the past, you have always been an exciting month for me.

You bring my birthday.You bring the start of summer and the end of school. You allow the sun to start making its appearance more regularly and the flowers and trees to bloom. The rainy, dreariness of winter and spring makes is much anticipated exit. You bring The Crawl for Cancer (an awesome fundraising event that we do every year) and Memorial Day.

You are a month of new beginnings.  

This year, I was especially looking forward to your arrival.  You were supposed to bring all sorts of new joy into our lives. You were supposed to bring the birth of our son and the start of a new chapter in our lives.

I know I will one day enjoy you again but this year I am ready for you to be over. I want the last milestone of my pregnancy to be over. Just seeing your date on my calendar, as I flipped the page this morning, sent me into tears and made me feel like I was punched in the stomach with the force of the Hulk.

The end of you does not mean that I will be over the loss of Joey, but I will finally be able to start looking toward the future without the constant milestones hanging over me.

I will not wake up every Saturday morning and think about what week in my pregnancy I would have been and count how many weeks it would have been until we met our son. I will no longer have this dark cloud hanging over me as the May 12 date approaches.

May, you have always been good to me, but can you hurry up and be over already? I am almost out of energy and tears to deal with you.