Roller Coaster of Emotions

Today, I am still overjoyed at the results of my HSG.  

Having this procedure, however, sent me on a roller coaster of emotions: anger, uncertainty, fear, sadness, heartache, embarrassment, joy, relief and sadness again.

Anger. I wrote about this here.

Uncertainty and Fear.  What if the doctor wouldn’t perform the procedure, again? What if we got bad news?  What if it was painful (the least of my worries, nonetheless a worry)?

Sadness and Heartache. This procedure was a reminder that we lost Joey. Shortly after we arrived, I was taken to complete the registration process. During which, I had to sign several forms giving my consent to perform the procedure. At the top of every single form, it stated in bold italicized letters, “Second Trimester Fetal Loss.”  Reading this over and over was like having a knife stabbed into my heart and slowly turned with each page.  

Embarrassment.  Because you probably don’t care to hear all of the intimate details of the procedure, I will try to keep this as clean as possible but still get my point across.  I do, however, need to reveal a few details so if you don’t care to read them skip to the Joy and Relief section!

For this procedure a uterine catheter is inserted and dye is used in collaboration with an xray machine to track where the dye goes. Obviously, there is only one way to insert a uterine catheter into a woman’s body. Awesome, right? This should be enough to make you feel uncomfortable.

So let’s pretend you are getting prepped for this procedure, you are as anxious as you have ever been. You are on a table in the middle of a sterile operating room, with the brightest lights ever shining directly onto that area of your body. The dreadful stirrups are in full use. You are vulnerable and wondering why they don't sedate you, even if it's mild, and in walks your radiologist. Your radiologist, who happens to be 20 something and good-looking (as my grandma would say).

Perfect.  Just perfect. 

{Don’t worry, my husband knows this part of the story.}

I am pretty sure I Iaughed out loud. If you are a woman reading this, you understand the instant comedy and humiliation associated with this. Seriously, I laughed out loud. Why not make an already uncomfortable and awkward procedure even more so?! I felt like I was in the middle of a taping of Grey's Anatomy.

{Insert your laughs here}

Joy and Relief. This twenty something, handsome radiologist was great. He walked me through the procedure and showed me on the screen exactly what he was seeing. He paused with each image and pointed out the “normal” and “healthy” parts of my reproductive organs. Awkward, right?  Nope, awesome! Everything looks great!  This means that when we are ready to take this journey again, there is nothing physically preventing or impairing it.

Sadness, again.  Please believe that I am overjoyed that I got the results that I did. But, I can’t help but feel that this “normal, healthy” uterus let me down.  I (we) had big plans for this part of my body over the next few months…