Small Success

This post is a two-parter.

Part I:

Continuing with the March birthday theme, I need to wish my Grandma a Happy Birthday!  I feel like I have spent the past few posts gushing about my family. You are probably reading and thinking, puke, another post about her awesome family. I can’t help it! My grandma is awesome! She is the foundation of my family. She is loving, strong, beautiful, compassionate…amazing. Love you, Grandma!

 Also, tomorrow is my step-dad’s birthday! Happy Birthday Travy!! Love you!

Part II:

I have learned that the biggest part of overcoming my grief is achieving small successes. Using yesterday as an example, I walked into Babies-R-Us for the first time since losing Joey. I know it sounds silly, but I have been dreading that moment.

The last time I was in a Babies-R-Us, I was 4 ½ months pregnant and we were walking up and down the aisles picking out all of the goodies that we were going to register for. We were looking at bottles, wondering how in the world you could decide on which ones to use. We were deciding on bedding and nursery furniture. We were planning our future with our baby.  

Yesterday, I pulled into the parking lot, sat there for five minutes and convinced myself it was no big deal and I was being ridiculous. I put on my brave face and walked into the store. I could do this.

I walked past the stroller that we had picked out and the pack-n-play that we thought was the most genius invention ever. I saw the pregnant women walking up and down the aisles. I felt like sitting in the middle of the store and sobbing.  But, I didn’t. I made it in and out without shedding a tear! It made me incredibly sad, but no tears. I am getting stronger each day.

Over the next few months, I have five baby showers to attend. I am so happy for all of my friends and family members that are having babies. It is such a blessing to create and bring a life into this world. I knew that the sooner I was able to walk into that store, the better. I have lots of babies to help spoil!

The next goal on the list, is to actually attend the baby showers without melting down.

The selfish/sad/grieving part of me can’t help but think that, I should have been one of those huge and uncomfortable pregnant women yesterday. I should be having a baby shower this month. I should be 33 weeks pregnant. I should be up all night because of baby feet in my ribs. I should be painting a nursery this weekend not the laundry room (more on this later).

I should be counting the number of weeks until Joey’s arrival, not the number of weeks since we lost him.