Tattoos

Tattoos. You either love them or hate them.  If you hate them that’s totally fine, I won’t be offended (although, I hope you aren’t someone that immediately passes judgment when you see a person with tattoos).

I love them.

Sure, you have the people that don’t necessarily make the best judgment when getting tattoos. But to me, tattoos tell a story. It may just be a butterfly on someone’s ankle to you, but to that person it could be a memorial tattoo because at their daughter’s funeral there was a beautiful butterfly circling the gravesite. Or, maybe they got it for no reason other than they liked it! Either way, tattoos commemorate a special time, place or person in someone’s life.

I have two tattoos. The first I got with two of my best friends from high school, the summer after my freshman year of college. About four years ago, my best friend and I went together and got new ones. Actually, I added on to my first one. It's in a place you can’t see (unless I decide to moon you) so most people don’t know I have it!  To look at these, you would see a butterfly and a flower, but to me they represent friendship and love.
 

Here is my newest one:

This was taken right after, so it is a little blurry still.

I. LOVE. IT.  It makes me so happy. It is an exact replica of Joey’s footprints. People may look at this and wonder why I got it. Well here is why:

Most people get to bring their children home. They get to spend every day for the rest of their lives looking at their children, holding them, touching them and talking to them. With Joey, I don’t get that. If I want to look at him, I have to open his scrapbook and flip through the pages. Short of taking his scrapbook everywhere I go, if I want to be reminded of him (and I am not at home), I can’t.
 

Having his footprints on my foot allows me to be reminded of him whenever I want. I can rub it and it’s like I am actually touching his sweet tiny toes. It has probably been the most healing part of the last few months. I got the idea the moment I saw his footprints on the paper, when we were still in the hospital.  Even then, only hours after saying goodbye to him, I smiled looking at those precious little feet. In fact, I think it was the first time Rik and I had smiled in over a week. 

I decided not to get it in the midst of my grieving because I didn’t want to regret it. Tattoos are kind of forever. Well, unless you want to pay a ton of money and go through the painful removal process. I said that if after six months I still wanted it, I was getting it. Fast forward seven months and I wanted it more than ever.

After a short 30 minutes with Rik by my side, Joey (and his footprints) will take every step with me for the rest of my life!

I'm Baack!

I’m baack! I know, I know it has been months since you have heard from me. Well, the wait is over. I am back a stronger, healthier and happier person.

I looked back through my old posts and wow, I was in a really bad place.  Venting here really helped me heal and process my thoughts, but it got to a point where I needed a break from it all…the stress, the sadness, the bitterness, the truth.  

Over the past months I have adjusted to my new reality. I am doing great. I will not lie, there is not a minute that goes by that I don’t think of Joey and all of the missed memories, but I don’t get breathtakingly sad when I think of him anymore.  Instead, I picture his sweet face and tiny toes and smile.

There was a time when I did not think I would ever feel “normal” again. I was so sad and angry at everyone and everything. I would be upset when people didn’t talk about Joey, even though I didn’t want to talk about him. I hated when people treated me normal but was upset when they didn’t.  People kept telling me that I needed to get better and think about the future, it was infuriating. People just didn’t get it. The thought of our future without Joey was heartbreaking.

All of it was exhausting.

There was not one specific moment that I remember being “better,” rather I healed a little each day. I had to hit rock bottom before I could begin climbing the ladder back to a healthy, happier me. That day was Mother’s Day. It was the worst day that I had had since leaving the hospital. I woke up crying and went to bed crying. I had hives all day from being so upset. Rik had to literally pick me up off the floor of our bedroom and put me into bed. I woke up the next day and decided that I couldn’t live like that one more day. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to Rik.

It has been a slow process, but I am getting there.  The guilt and bitterness is gone and I feel 100 pounds lighter.  There will always be a Joey sized hole in my heart but sadness and anger doesn’t define me anymore.

Thank you to my family and friends for your continued patience, love and support!

Garden Update

I told you awhile back that we started our garden by planting seeds in March. Well, we transplanted them outside a few weeks ago and it's doing really well. I can't wait to get my first veggies.

Do you see that?! I have three zucchinis growing!!

  

Oh and my rose bushes are blooming like crazy…

Ahhh, I love spring/summer :)

New Bathroom

A few weeks ago we did a bathroom renovation. I have to thank my husband and my father-in-law for the amazing overhaul.  They worked so hard on it and it looks great!

Rik’s parents came to town and spent the weekend so they could help with the project. Rik’s mom and I did some shopping to find the perfect shower curtain rod and necklace hanger (both are extremely important!) and the men put down the floor, replaced the mirror, added the new cabinet and painted.

Here is the before: 

A few action shots:

 

 The finished product: 

 

 

I love it! I love the darker cabinet, tiled floor and new paint. It is exactly what I had in mind! Rik can say what he wants, my indecisiveness is part of the process of making it perfect! So what if we made eight total trips to Home Depot and Lowes and bought one style floor before deciding on the other?! It is all part of the process!

Something else exciting that came from that weekend is this shirt:

It was one of my birthday gifts from them. How awesome is that?! This picture looks just like my Rudi!

Thanks Mom and Dad for all of your help!

Joey's Memorial Garden

Ok, so I have talked about my friends before.  I have raved about how they are the best and so on. Today, I want to share with you just how wonderful they really are.

On Joey’s due date we received this beautiful gift:

They went together and got Rik and I this beautiful granite memorial stone and forget-me-not plants to create a garden for him. They know how much I love having my gardens and they thought this would be perfect. I could not agree more. As soon as I saw it, I had the perfect place to put it.

Welcome to Joey’s Memorial Garden:

It is stunning and brings me so much peace. I love everything about it.

 When reading about the plants, I learned that they will bloom every year in the spring. This means that every year around Joey's due date, I will have blooming blue forget-me-not's to admire. How perfect is that?

This group of women is the most thoughtful, loving, caring group in the world. We have been through sorority pledging, college parties, graduations, break-ups, marriages, divorces, pregnancies and miscarriages. We have celebrated the best of best times and cried together during the worst of worst times.

This is the same group of women who presented me with a donation, in Joey’s honor, to the March of Dimes at his funeral.

I am so blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.

 I love you guys!

I am 28!

Thanks to all of my family and friends that wished me a happy birthday! Yesterday was a wonderful day. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.

Rik and I were talking last night over our fire about how it is hard to believe we are 28. Remember when you were in high school and you thought about how old 25 or 30 was? Well, now that we are there, it just doesn’t seem possible. I still feel like that 16 year old girl!

Since I shared baby pics of my husband a few months ago, I thought I would share a few for your viewing pleasure of my sweet baby self!

Meet Waldo, my favorite stuffed animal ever!

You know you are jealous!

Random

So what if it is only 7:58 am on a Thursday and I want one (or two) of the following: Three Olives Loopy and Andes Mint cupcakes.

 Ok, here’s the scoop. I am not a beer drinker. I have tried, just can’t do it. It tastes horrible! Well, that is, unless I am bonging one. Mom and Mom #2 (Mom-in-Law) pretend like you didn’t read that! It’s a true statement; I can bong a beer with the best of them. My girlfriends tend to get me in these ridiculous contests with random people on our girls trips. They wage drinks and things on the bet that I can bong a beer quicker than their macho dude friend. In the end, we generally come out with a few drinks! Don’t worry Mom and Mom #2 this only happens about once a year, if that! Hey, it keeps me young!

Ok, that was a random side note but whatever. Where I was going with that is I prefer the girlie fruity drinks. I am always trying new flavors. A few weeks ago I experienced new Three Olives Vodka flavor, Loopy. This stuff is the bomb! Mixed with a little Sprite, it tastes like you are eating a bowl of fruit loops and who doesn’t like fruit loops?!

Andes Mint Cupcakes? I saw this picture and recipe on pinterest…Whoa! Two of my favorite things mixed into one. Yes, please!

http://www.yourcupofcake.com/2011/05/andes-mint-cupcakes.html

I see both of these things in my near future. Well ok, maybe I will wait until after work!

His Due Date

This weekend was the hardest weekend, emotionally, since losing Joey. I remember when I found out my due date was the weekend of Mother’s Day, thinking it couldn’t be more perfect. I would (probably) be snuggling my brand new baby for my first Mother’s Day. Our moms would be celebrating their Mother’s Day as brand new grandmas. It would be perfect.

This weekend was not perfect. It was not spent with the smells of a new baby or the cries of joy and relief. Rather, it was spent with a quivering lip, wet cheeks and puffy eyes. Now of course we both have wonderful moms that we had to celebrate, but having this holiday the day after my due date seemed cruel.  

I spent the day remembering our short time with him.  Remembering the first time I felt him kick and the way he bounced around during our ultrasounds. Remembering the way he looked after he was born and the way his tiny body felt in my arms. The way his daddy held and admired him. The indescribable amount of love that overwhelmed me when I first saw him.   

Not only did I lose Joey but I lost the future that I planned with him. I was only pregnant for five months, but I planned every second of our baby’s life in those five months. I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment thinking of our baby and our future.  I had his room designed. I had ideas of what he would look like. I imagined his first words, first steps, first birthdays and first days of school. I pictured looking out the window and watching Rik teach him how to throw a football. I had our life planned with this sweet baby.

I am not supposed to be seeing his name in stone but unfortunately God had other plans for us.

There will (hopefully) be more babies in our future, ones that we will get to bring home, cherish and never take for granted. But Joey will always be in my heart. He will always be my first baby. He taught me more about life in those few months than I had learned in my previous 27 years. He is the one that allowed me to feel a mother’s love and the overwhelming need to protect. He is the one that showed me what life is really about. It’s not about the stuff it’s about the love that is in your heart.

<3 JSM

Happy Mother's Day

I never imagined my first Mother's Day would be as hard as it has been.

Today, I could not help but think of this poem:

 

 

What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.

Funny Stuff

Yesterday, this was sent to me by a coworker to make me smile. The title of the email was, "Don't Let Kristen become a little Billy."

Hysterical. I do, in fact, feel like this most some days...

TGIF!

Don't Ask

It is 7:57 am and my make-up has already been cried away.

Over the past few days I have had three people on different occasions ask when my husband and I were going to start having children. Little did they know the answer they were going to receive. I am sure they asked the question out of genuineness and were only trying to make conversation.

But I struggled with how to answer this question? Should I be honest and say, “actually we have already started and we now have an angel baby.” Do I say, “We are working on it.” Or, my gut response “Mind your own f’ing business, when did my sex life become an appropriate topic of your conversation?” Do I simply shrug it off and do a polite laugh with no answer?

I realized that I have to be honest. I owe it to Joey. So, I responded with, “we had a baby but he is already an angel,” and then my eyes welled with tears. I am certain they were not expecting this, but they asked so I answered.

I am sure I have asked this question in the past. Now, I realize how insensitive it is.

Do me a favor; please do not ask people when they are going to start having children. You don’t know their story. Such a simple question could send a person into tears for the rest of the day.

If you have to ask the question, you are not close enough to the person to need to know the answer.

The Start of THAT Month

Dear May-

Today you make your appearance.

In the past, you have always been an exciting month for me.

You bring my birthday.You bring the start of summer and the end of school. You allow the sun to start making its appearance more regularly and the flowers and trees to bloom. The rainy, dreariness of winter and spring makes is much anticipated exit. You bring The Crawl for Cancer (an awesome fundraising event that we do every year) and Memorial Day.

You are a month of new beginnings.  

This year, I was especially looking forward to your arrival.  You were supposed to bring all sorts of new joy into our lives. You were supposed to bring the birth of our son and the start of a new chapter in our lives.

I know I will one day enjoy you again but this year I am ready for you to be over. I want the last milestone of my pregnancy to be over. Just seeing your date on my calendar, as I flipped the page this morning, sent me into tears and made me feel like I was punched in the stomach with the force of the Hulk.

The end of you does not mean that I will be over the loss of Joey, but I will finally be able to start looking toward the future without the constant milestones hanging over me.

I will not wake up every Saturday morning and think about what week in my pregnancy I would have been and count how many weeks it would have been until we met our son. I will no longer have this dark cloud hanging over me as the May 12 date approaches.

May, you have always been good to me, but can you hurry up and be over already? I am almost out of energy and tears to deal with you.

The Battle

I have realized that healing from the loss of Joey is going to be a process that will probably take the rest of my life. Yesterday, a great friend said to me, “it’s ok to never move on from losing Joey.” It was exactly what I needed to hear. I know I will never move on from losing him, but to have someone reassure me that it's okay means so much.

I have always been one to put a lot of pressure on myself. This fault of mine (the only one, I assure you!) is causing a war inside of me. I am applying this pressure to find my new “normal” self and move past the grief. Part of me is really trying to heal and be a strong person. No one likes (or knows how to deal with) the sad person who is self-absorbed in grief, including me. 

The other part of me says, absolutely no way, I am a mess. I need to be sad and angry, I lost a baby that I loved and wanted more than anything. He was a product of my husband's and my love. He was ours.

Every day is a new battle. However, just like true wars, the battle will one day end and I will wake up and not spend my day fighting. The scar from my wound will still be there, but the war will have ended.

In the meantime, I will fight. Some days I will be strong, others I will melt with tears. It’s all part of my new "normal."

17 Weeks

Dear Joey-

Today, 17 weeks since I delivered you silently, I miss you more than ever.

Love,

Mom

Guest Post

I am the guest sponsor today at my bff's blog, Running in Stilettos. Thanks Holly for letting my hijack your place!

I would like to wish a warm welcome to everyone that has stopped by and said hi today :)

Enjoy!