Five Weeks

It has been five weeks today.  Five weeks full of exhaustion, tears, heartache and smiles. Smiles, because I picture my little man with his daddy’s nose and flintstone toes, and it warms my heart.

They say time heals all wounds. I don’t think this wound will ever heal. Instead, the pain will turn into a scar. It is part of me now. Joey is a part of me forever.

The days are slowly getting easier. I am thankful for the days that I don’t cry, the days that I think of him and smile instead.  

Our appointment with the doctor went well. They did not find any chromosome/genetic problems. This means the odds of something like this happening to another baby are very, very small. This is supposed to make me happy. It does, I suppose. The odds appear to be in our favor.

But the odds have failed us before. They can’t explain why it happened to Joey.  If they can’t explain why it happened, how can they assure us that it won’t happen again? And why did it happen this time?

I realize I have to quit asking this question. I am never going to have an answer to why. I need to accept that it happened and feel grateful that they don’t think it will happen again.

The doctor really put it into perspective, she said “look at it this way, I could be telling you that you have a 50% or 75% chance of this happening again.”  This is absolutely true and my heart breaks for the couples that get this kind of news. It is bad enough to lose a baby, but then to get results like that would be devastating.

Our news was as good as it gets for our situation. For this I am grateful.